You are NOT Alone.

It is with the heaviest heart and unrelenting tears that I type these words right now.

Last night at 12:11 am, I received a call from my sister and the words she said are the last anyone wants to hear. Last night, my friend from high school passed away tragically. Although we had gone our separate ways in college, she was a huge part of my high school experience.

So, it’s time to get real.

Holly’s passing was tragedy, but mine almost became a choice.  For a good period of time last year, I contemplated making the decision to take my own life. I told my parents time and time again that I didn’t want to do life anymore. I sat sobbing uncontrollably on my bathroom floor feeling completely invisible and alone.

Would my instagram, facebook, or snapchat reflect that? Nope.

But I can’t even begin to describe the depth of depravity I was feeling. It was everything- the big things but also the tiniest details- that all seemed to go wrong. A relationship that had become toxic (although I didn’t want to admit it) ended suddenly. Then, I was back at school, a place where after two years, I still didn’t feel like was my second home. I decided to leave the dance team and join a sorority, which I thought would be the answer to finding friends. Not understanding that relationships take time and not willing to participate in the parties and heavy drinking, I felt like the only one. The only one like me. Instead of companionship, I found a harsh reality of comparison and felt completely left out as friendships and big/little relationships developed. All it took was a few friends not including me to send me in a tailspin of utter rejection. I tried to seek Christian counseling to help me see out of unhealthy thinking patterns and to find healing. Well, that didn’t go so well either. She told me she didn’t understand why I would have such trouble, because if she were half as pretty as me, life would be good. Then, she had her son add me and message me on Facebook. She crossed so many lines, when she texted me saying her son just got out of an 8 year relationship and felt we needed to talk and get to know each other. Those are all of the big things, but there were a million other little things chipping away at the mountains I had created as the central idols of my life and my heart. My entire world was collapsing around me, and I had nowhere to take shelter.

The biggest thing I felt: ALONE.

I felt different than everyone around me and completely overlooked. It seemed like everything I came in contact with turned to dust. It’s excruciating living in a world where you feel like you’re not like anyone else.

So I sat on the floor of my bathroom in the dark with my mom on the phone. There was nothing anyone could say to comfort me, because the enemy wanted to take me out. I remember thinking about what medications I had in my cabinet and how many it would take. And let me tell you, it hurts me to even type those words. In the meantime, no one knew, and I know my parents felt an intense desperation for me to hold on. Somehow I survived day to day, blasting Hillsong, trying to cling to a God that I wasn’t sure existed anymore. I knew Him and proclaimed His Name, but I wrestled with very real doubts. “How can God possibly be good or how can he possibly love me when he lets this happen? How could he possibly be allowing this for my good, when someone who has chosen to follow Him is being beaten into the ground?”.

It wasn’t until I spent a weekend at Captivate Conference that I felt freed from my lack of desire to live. Two women laid their hands over me and prayed that any scheme of the enemy over my life would be broken because the Lord has a calling on my life. I wept and felt such a change in my spirit and attitude.

Let me be the first to say, my circumstances didn’t change, my heart did.

Things were still hard. I lived day to day, but I had a different perspective about how I could continue through life. Satan came to “steal, kill, and destroy…” {John 10:10} and that is exactly what he was doing in my life. The enemy torments especially when there is great potential in a heart willing to serve the Everlasting God. Lysa TerKuerst summarized these trying times so eloquently on Facebook recently.

“God is using all of your circumstances, good and bad, to develop your character to match your calling”.- Lysa TerKuerst

Although I know God didn’t create these hard circumstances, He is Almighty and can use each and every heartbreak to humble me and use me to proclaim His Name.

The end to John 10:10 is my favorite example of “But God”. It says,

“The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” – John 10:10

I’m not going to lie and say that it took one prayer and everything turned around. However, the Lord was able to teach me that the reason life felt so hard is because I was in the middle of an invisible battle to destroy any attempt for me to share the name of Jesus. The enemy would have loved to remove me from this earth, so that I couldn’t fulfill my calling of sharing the Gospel and encouraging others.  Our God is Victorious, and He has a great calling on my life, even if I don’t know what that looks like yet.  Death is not something I understand, especially when it involves such a sweet soul and dear friend, but I know Jesus is Sovereign.

So to Holly,

I am so grateful for the friendship we shared. I will always remember your cute giggle in dance practices, your radiant and welcoming smile, and the way your beautiful brown curls brushed across my desk in PreCal senior year. I’m thankful we served together as captains of BDT. I’m grateful we shared one of the most exciting experiences of our lives, dancing in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and running through the streets of New York City. We shared stages, math homework, hair ties, and so many memories that I will always cherish. I know you are a light. I know Jesus has you, and I know He feels this community’s pain but can rejoice alongside you. I love you.

 

Holly’s passing was sudden an unexpected.  I know God has a plan and uses each minute of our time on this earth.  That is my only comfort.  I am immensely humbled that the Lord saved me and spared me from a tragic mistake so that I can live another day to sing His praise.  I challenge anyone who reads this to get real with yourself and be vulnerable. There are a lot of things in life we can’t filter with “Lo-Fi”. Seek someone out when you are in pain, because God has such a purpose and plan for your life. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are being prepared for something so much greater than you realize. These everyday battles are real and hard, and mine haven’t stopped, but Jesus has given me life abundantly. Now: I have soul sisters who experienced so many of the same things last year. We are united in a mission to reach anyone who feels on the outside and tell them that Jesus loves them. I have dance back in my life again, which I wasn’t sure would happen. And I know that my identity does not depend on my accomplishments or hard work. I am a Daughter of the Most High who will LIVE to proclaim the life, love, and grace of my Savior.

Holly, I pray this over you, your family, and anyone that needs comfort right at this very moment,

“Praise be to the God and Father our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5