2017: Heart Abandoned

Two thousand seventeen was the year of the highest highs and lowest lows.  As I’ve spent the last few weeks reflecting on everything I’ve learned this year, I am amazed at the lengths the Lord has taken me and overwhelmed by all He’s taught me in the midst.  So, should I start with the good news or the bad?

The Highs:

1. Passion 2017– I started my year in the best way I could ever imagine- with 55,000 other college students listening, learning, and lifting the name of Jesus above anything else this world has to offer.  I spent three incredible days soaking in His Spirit and His Word under prophetic teachings while surrounded by sweet friends.  I could have never known that the words spoken in those days would teach me and prepare me for the greatest challenges I would face in the year ahead.  Christine Caine’s message on Hebrews 12 and Levi Lusko’s sermon on Philippians 1 both serve as a continual sources of encouragement for me even today.  If you’ve never been, sign up to attend or watch online!  Passion changed the trajectory of my walk with the Lord this year, and I am forever grateful.
2. Deep Friendships– The Lord answered countless prayers in the form of faithful friends this year.  I both met and deepened my relationships with so many girls that will walk through the rest of this life with me.  Each of them embodies a unique personality and holds a special place in my heart.  We’ve experienced the joys and the sorrows together.  Some of my favorite memories of 2017 are the experiences shared with each of them- tears from laughing too hard, comfort in times of sadness, cookie dough shipped in from NYC, and countless memories in between.  I am immensely grateful for who the Lord created each of them to be and for the difference they’ve made in my life.
3. Graduation– I graduated from the University of Florida.  My college experience didn’t look like many others.  I started as a Dazzler- dancing my way through games and appearances for the Gator Nation.  I joined Kappa Delta as a Junior and made friends that I will cherish for a lifetime. I interned with Yoanna on her television show and found my love for production and a very generous friend and mentor.  I developed a passion for Pure Barre and became a teacher.  I reported for ESPN and honed my journalism skills while pursuing my love for sports.  There were days when I didn’t think I belonged or didn’t know how I would make it.  But, by the grace of God, I am a Gator Grad, and it is one of my most treasured accomplishments.
4. Travel–  The Lord gave me opportunities to travel to so many amazing places this year.  I spent time with friends and family along the beaches of 30A.  I celebrated two family weddings- one in Charleston, SC and one in Highlands, NC.  I laughed nonstop in Savannah with my talented friend Lyndsey while we took photos.  Last and certainly not least, I stayed in the Exumas, Bahamas with 3 dear friends and a family who is like my own!  Everyday I was awestruck by the beauty of God’s creation, because only He could create waters so blue.

And now some of the hard ones-

1. Cancer– My mom was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive form of cancer.  My mom is my absolute best friend on this planet.  She’s the reason I know Jesus and the reason so many of my family and friends will encounter their Father in Heaven one day.  As her health kept deteriorating, both of us had a sense this would be serious.  Hearing that word over the phone on October 17, 2017 forever changed my life.  There are days that have been so excruciatingly painful that I don’t even have the words to type yet.  Days where I couldn’t seem to grasp how we would ever make it past the next minute-much less the next day.  Days where I questioned everything without much answer in the days following.  True agony is seeing someone you love so dearly in pain and facing what is truly one of the darkest of evils this world has to offer.  Our faith will weather this daunting storm, but some days our flesh overcomes.
2. Molly– I lost my sweet puppy after 14 precious years.  As a little girl, I prayed for Molly through tears before bedtime more times than I can count.  I can truly trust in God’s goodness in the answer He gave me in Molly.  She was the most gentle pup anyone ever encountered.  She was the retriever who didn’t retrieve, and the dog that looked like a puppy until the day she entered the Gates of Heaven.  So many of my greatest memories come from time spent with my girl.  From morning cuddles, car rides, long walks, and lots of shared meals- Molly was truly my best friend.  I learned so much from that sweet girl and can’t wait to reunite in Paradise.
3. Misc.–  Although there are other circumstances that are extremely hard, out of the privacy of my family, I will refrain from sharing.

As I’ve looked back on this year, I’ve really focused on Mary.  When the angel Gabriel appeared to her, he told Mary that she was highly favored and the Lord was with her.  He told her she would bear a child who would come to save the world.  I imagine the fear and panic she must have felt.  An unmarried, teenage girl would be pregnant and responsible for carrying the Son of God.  She would be tasked with the responsibility to raise him on earth, knowing that she would watch him die for the sake of the sins of the world.

Call me crazy- but that doesn’t really sound like finding favor with the Almighty King.  It sounds impossible and completely overhwhelming.  But her daunting circumstance brought the Light of the World and ultimately an invitation for His sons and daughters to enter into Heaven.  Above all else, Mary was a humble servant to the one her heart adored.  In so many of my own hard days, I want to look up and ask “Why?  How could this possibly be what You have for me?”  So, during this year, I am learning to have faith like Mary.  To believe that His ways are higher and His plans are good, even when I can’t see it. {1 Thessalonians 5:16-18}  It’s during these moments that I remember my prayer and heart cry for this past year, one that I chose on January 1.  Two words from my favorite song at Passion 2017: heart abandoned.  The chorus says,

God, give me a heart abandoned, ever after You alone.

Gold and silver, you can take it.

All I want is you, my Lord.

As extremely excruciating as this year has been, I’ve seen the Lord’s hand in so much of it.  Cancer changes everyday life, but I’ve clung to His Word and cherished quality time more than ever before.  In Molly’s final moments, I was able to tell her that she was about to meet her Creator and watched her smile and wag her tail, when she had been so weak all day.  In my lowest hours, I was surrounded by friends and family who not only encouraged me or sent me sweet gifts, but lifted me up in prayer when I didn’t have the strength.  Reflecting back on these hard times, I realize that my heart is completely abandoned to Him.  No matter the pain or frustration, I trust that the Savior who died to save me wants the best for me.  I am able to look past the pain to see parts of His purpose in it.  He answered my prayer- a heart abandoned.

In 2017, I saw glimpses of God’s glory and grace.  In 2018, I am asking for grand gestures.  I want to see Him miraculously heal my mom.  I want to see Him provide for my family in a way only He could accomplish.  I want Him to work through me and my friends to change the world through the power and Good News of the Gospel.  I want Him to give me a clear sense of purpose and direction.  So…

Lord, thank you for all that You’ve done in me and through me this year.  Thank You for carrying me in the midst of the battles.  This year, I wait expectantly for all that You have for me.  I am asking hopefully for grand gestures.  I praise You for who You are and all that You’ve done for me.

xox

ellie